Learn To Say No Without Feeling Guilty

“You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no” – Lori Deschene. I wish we were taught that as children. I have always been a people pleaser. Saying “Yes” comes naturally to me and sometimes, it comes at the cost of my own sanity and happiness.  Thus, it’s all the more essential to learn to say No without feeling guilty.

How Do We Pick Up The Habit Of Saying Yes To Everything?

As a kid, you’re taught to say “Yes” to everything. If you say “No” to your parents, grandparents, or relatives, then you are warned that it’s a wrong thing to do. Therefore, “No” somehow transforms into a bad word in our dictionary, something which represents negativity.

It’s fed in us from childhood that you become a people’s favourite only if you say yes to whatever they say or ask of you. We begin to mistake saying “Yes” as a lovable trait that reflects kindness, large-heartedness, and goodness as a human being.

This learning becomes so embedded in our DNA that we carry it into our teenage. And during our teenage, we are told that only aggressive go-getters who say “Yes” to things make it big in life.

We’re fed this fear of missing out on opportunities if we say “No”. This ideology is carried into adulthood and we become “Yes-men” with low self-confidence as we just can’t learn to say no without feeling guilty about it.

You Won’t Spoil Your Relationships If You Learn To Say No

Humans are social creatures who fear rejection and isolation. It’s this fear that drives us to comply with requests even if fulfilling them is beyond our capacity. As a result, we say “Yes” to people purely out of the compulsion to not seem rude, selfish, arrogant or impolite.

Therefore, by saying “Yes” to unimportant things for the sake of keeping people happy, you end up not having time for things that are actually important to you.

You become exhausted trying to fulfil your “obligations” and are stressed for no reason. You end up draining yourself of all energy and are filled with guilt for not being true to yourself. Now, what good is a relationship if it hampers your growth?

• Remember that saying a blunt “No” will not spoil your relationship with a person. Instead, it will reflect your strength and clarity as a person who has his/her priorities right. It shows that you are a person in control of your life and have a balanced head on your shoulders.
• If you feel like saying a no, then go ahead and say it unabashedly and unapologetically. You owe that honesty both to yourself and to the other person. A relationship is bound by the glue of honesty so saying an honest “No” will only strengthen your bond and earn you respect.
• People will know that you have your limits and can’t be taken for granted. You have your own ambitions, aspirations, commitments to take care of so your time will be prioritized based on that. And people have to respect that if they want you in their lives.
• Just like people have the right to ask you or request you for favours, you too have the right to politely turn them down. You aren’t obligated to please everyone in society. You aren’t a superhuman and your day doesn’t comprise of 27 hours.
• If your simple “No” offends people and they take it personally, then it isn’t your fault. You can’t sacrifice your peace of mind for their lack of rationality. It’s a blessing if they choose to leave your life as you don’t need such toxic and shallow people anyway.
  
  
  

Essential Tips To Help You Learn To Say No

Learning to say “No” is an art in itself. Here are a few tips that can help you learn to say “No” without feeling guilty about it :

• Stay true to yourself – Say what you actually feel and people will appreciate it. If it means saying a “No”, then so be it. That doesn’t mean you are rude and disrespectful. It means that you know what you want and are courageous enough to put your point across in a straightforward manner.
• Stay clear of people’s perceptions about you – Your same line of behaviour can be perceived differently by different people. Don’t stress about trying to match with people’s frequencies because you’ll end up damaging your antenna in the process. You can’t please everyone so make your decisions without worrying about people’s perceptions about you.
• Differentiate between refusal and rejection – Remember that you’re saying no to a request and not the person. Rational, broad-minded people will understand this and respect your “no” as you aren’t obliged to say yes to everything. Make sure there’s a clear line of demarcation in your head between refusal and rejection.
• Don’t be overcome by guilt – You have to work as a faithful employee for the larger entity that is you. It’s perfectly okay to place your happiness and needs above somebody else’s. You don’t have to feel guilty about saying a “No”. Staying a happy and peaceful person with a “No” is much better than being uncomfortable, suffocated, and stressed with a “Yes”.
• Delay the “Yes” and take time to think – If you’re an impulsive person and a “Yes” sits on the tip of your tongue, then hold your horses and make use of the favourite interview phrase “I’ll get back to you”. This way you haven’t put yourself in a spot by immediately saying yes plus you have bought yourself some time to weigh in the options, and then make a decision. Thus, understanding “How to say no” is equally important.
• Don’t over-apologize – An unapologetic, simple “No” with a firm body language always works. But if you find it difficult, then you can use phrases like “I’m afraid I can’t” or “I’m sorry but I won’t be able to”. They are polite, civil, and show respect towards the other person. However, don’t become a doormat and go on apologizing for saying a “No”. Value yourself. It’s futile to waste your time and energy explaining your good intentions to people.
  
  
  

Conclusion

Saying “Yes” doesn’t make you an angel and saying “No” won’t book you an all-expenses-paid trip to hell. So learn to say “No” with absolute nonchalance and see the benefits you reap from it. History was never made by yes men but by people who opted to say “No” without feeling guilty.

And remember that you can’t always make everyone happy so stop wasting your time trying to be a goody-two-shoes. Instead, respect yourself enough to say a “No” if you feel like it. It’ll make you a stress-free, emotionally stable, and a much happier person in life. No is indeed a good word and there are no two ways about it.

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