Question for parents – How well do you know your child?

How well do you know your child? Quite a heavy duty question that. Isn’t it?

But I couldn’t help asking it after observing a few incidents around me which got me thinking. Just to clarify, I’m no parent so this is not a “how to parent” guide. But from my observations and experiences of my near and dear ones, it’s more about how not to parent your child.

UNDERSTANDING A CHILD – PARENTING METHODS

A child is like a Rubik’s cube. Each one is made from the same mould but takes a lot of effort, patience and different combinations to understand and solve.

Children mind you, are not that simple as people think they are.

There’s a reason why they say that the things and habits that children inculcate during their childhood, stay with them for life. It’s because they’re at this formative age where they can be influenced and their personalities can be shaped.

So some parents are mindful of it and try to set a good example themselves so that their children can follow suit.

While other parents assume that their kids inherit not only their genes but also their beliefs and principles in life. They enforce not just their thinking but also the parenting methods they experienced as children, on their own kids forgetting that times have changed.

The latter case is extremely dangerous. Because let’s face it, when has assumption yielded anything productive!

And it’s this assumption that grows into a conviction with the kid growing up and entering his teens. Parents think that they know the kid inside out, but in reality there is a big communication gap that exists.

Their parenting isn’t on the same page as the current times. In this day & age when even a lifeless gadget needs updating it’s firmware to run smoothly, how can the inflexible, rigid, faulty, outdated parenting methods be relevant to today’s kids?

Such methods don’t create obedient children, they only create rebellious children.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF MY 19-YEAR OLD ACQUAINTANCE

Take an acquaintance of mine for example. He’s 19, a student, lives with his parents in Mumbai and is in the choosing between passion and responsibility stage of life.

He’s disciplined, studies all day, doesn’t socialize, hasn’t tried any kind of alcohol/smoking, doesn’t have a girlfriend and is basically the poster boy of the “perfect Indian kid community”.

But then he is also dating a girl since 3 years, had started drinking since the age of 17, loves partying with his gang and isn’t that inclined towards studies.

The former is how his parents perceive him to be and the latter is what he actually is.

Recently, he was carried to his doorstep in a sloshed state by his cab driver as he was too inebriated to even walk. He was constantly puking and fell unconscious so his parents got him admitted in a hospital.

He’s fine now which is good news. However, his parents feel that he’s under bad influence and it’s just a one-off with a friend “spiking” his drink. They feel that since he’s never touched alcohol, it got to him and the body couldn’t bear it.

While in reality he’s been drinking for a while now & on that particular night actually gulped an entire bottle of tequila due to extreme pressure of studies/expectations and anger.

Anger because his dad wasn’t talking to him since a month and refused to allow him to pursue higher studies in the UK.

His parents and him are as much in sync as me and the King Penguin in Antarctica.

ACTUAL BURNING ISSUE – DID THEY REALLY KNOW THEIR CHILD?

I spoke to him recently and asked him how he was doing. And it was surprising to see him disclose all his life secrets to me in the next 1 hour, despite me not being that close to him. It was almost like he desperately needed somebody to talk to.

He was seeking refuge in a corner where he felt he’d be understood and not judged as a misfit. His parents assume him to be somebody else – an ideal son. But let’s face it, an “ideal anything” doesn’t exist. We’re all human at the end of the day.

“My dad, he just keeps pressuring me to study every second of the day. He expects me to wake up at 4. Study for 3 hours. Go to college. Come back. Attend 3-4 hours of tuition. Do my homework for another couple of hours. Go to the gym. Come back. Study a bit. And sleep.

He wants me to top this difficult course to get into the best college. He doesn’t want me to pursue a hobby, socialise with friends or even meet a girl because according to him, they are all distractions and harmful for my future in the long run. I’m just mentally exhausted. I study a lot. But I can’t get the kind of score he expects me to. He just doesn’t get me. Can’t live upto his expectations”, he said.

I felt bad for him. Poor fella’s only mistake was that he’d scored a 95% in his 10th standard. It led his parents into believing he was Einstein’s reincarnation. It’s like his intellect became his own enemy and buried him under the weight of expectations.

He can’t invite friends home as his dad constantly keeps entering his room just to find out what they’re talking about. His dad doesn’t understand the concept of privacy.

His mum on the other hand is the silent accomplice to his dad. For his parents, dating is a concept that’s as alien as finding a unicorn on planet Earth.

And with that builds a communication gap which leads to their son leading dual lives.

ROOT OF THE PROBLEM

The ironical part is that his dad was a rebel himself and never listened to his father. And how do I know this? He’s told it to me on several occasions at various gatherings.

He told me that he wasn’t allowed to go out, spend money, date, drink or socialize as a grown-up. He was never good at studies either and failed in college.

That bitterness and anger resulting from an oppressed childhood has somehow stayed with him – so much so that he thought it’s the only way of parenting.

Therefore, he expects his son to live with the same restrictions that he lived with as a child but with a hope that it helps his son excel in his studies.

Strangely uncle goes to parties regularly, hangs out with his friends and drinks a lot. His son sees him doing all this and obviously feels he’s being given a hard deal for no reason.

His son couldn’t top an exam so uncle stopped talking to him for a month. Infact, uncle ignored his presence itself in the house because he felt his son wasn’t worthy of him.

That was uncle’s ego at play and we all know what ego does to relationships. He was being unfair and sadistic towards his son.

Just because you haven’t enjoyed your childhood doesn’t mean you don’t let your children enjoy it. Maybe you didn’t have the exposure or the means during your time but that doesn’t mean you keep shoving your hypocritical rules down someone’s throat.

Constantly pressurizing your kids to achieve something and then criticizing them despite the fact that they tried their heart out is plain wrong.

It kills a person’s confidence and forever put this thought in their head that they’re inadequate. All that awaits them then. is the cold embrace of depression and failure. Why would you do that? For what joy?

My friend keeps secrets from his parents now. He’s under confident and unhappy in life. Sad part is that his parents don’t have a clue about his drinking habits, social circle or even his girlfriend.

SOLUTION

All my friend wanted was a person to sit beside him & listen to him. I get it that as parents, people want the best for their kids. But in this race to have a kid who’s an achiever, you forget that he is a human at the end of the day. The rat race won’t do him any good.

A sincere solution to the problem would be to firstly make sure that what you expect out of your kid, aligns with your kid’s interest as well.

There’s no point if you think your kid’s a genius and he should become an astronaut while your kid has a limited intellect & is contemplating a career in bartending. Stay in touch with your kid’s needs and aspirations and be realistic about goals and achievements in life.

Secondly, allow your kids some breathing space to have a life outside of their studies.

Because the more you try to inflict rules and interfere in their lives, the more you’ll distance them from yourself. Your child will then be leading a double life – a version which you want him to be & a version that he actually is.

Thirdly, try giving your child the freedom & power of choice. You got to trust his instinct as well. Because as a parent you can give him the initial push if he’s learning to cycle, but you can’t ride the cycle for him.

At some stage you’ll have to let go of him as he tries to take his own journey.  He might falter and hurt himself, but eventually he’ll learn along the way. The same applies to life.

In the name of guarding your kid, don’t suffocate him so much that your excess love seems burdensome and torturous. Because then, your kid will not be able to communicate openly with you.

He’ll instead open his heart out to whoever listens to him. That makes him susceptible to exploitation by outsiders who know his vulnerable side. A side that even his own parents don’t know of.

And there’s nothing sadder than that as a family.

PARTING THOUGHT

Your kid is a living, breathing, individual entity on his own. So treat him like one. Do not thrust or force your opinion and take important life decisions on his behalf. Explain to him the pros & cons of what he’s getting into but leave the final decision to him.

Do not pressurize your kid with expectations. Instead, try to empathize with him. That way he sees you as a friend and is comfortable with sharing his deepest fears, demons & aspirations. As a result, you get to know your child better & it further strengthens the bonds in your family.

The question “How well do you know your child”  therefore, is a relevant one that parents need to ask themselves. It’s surprising how children open up if they’re treated as friends & made to feel comfortable about themselves.

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