Ego. Today we’ll talk about this entity which has literally destroyed my friend’s life and killed her will to stay alive. Ego firstly overwhelms you with it’s fulfilment and makes you reluctant to change. Then ego kills relationships, isolating you and throwing you into the welcoming arms of loneliness & depression.
So let’s discuss this taking my friend’s story as an example.
I was talking to this friend of mine a couple of weeks back. She was feeling lonely and needed someone to hear her out. The interesting thing was that her plan of meeting me didn’t involve any heart-to-heart conversation to begin with. I was invited to her place to check out her new house. How the conversation drifted from the interiors of her house to the interiors of her heart,Ā was interesting to note.
MEET MY FRIEND – “ZEE”
Since I can’t name her for obvious reasons, let’s call this friend of mine – Zee.Ā Zee is a rich & adventurous married woman whose current life revolves around randomly meeting people, indulging in retail therapy & going to fancy places to divert her mind from constantly needing someone with her.
She likes to travel but the trips are few & far between thanks to a not so enthusiastic husband.
She saw me perform as an actor in a Bollywood musical in the glitzy and glamorous city of Dubai and got in touch with me as I later shifted to India and that’s how we became friends.
ZEE AND HER HUSBAND – A MATCH MADE IN HELL
Coming to her husband, he is a hardworking businessman who’s out, working all day and comes back home at night only to make love to his alcohol & his home theatre, watching 2 movies each night.
A routine that has continued for 17 years. 2 movies a night means 730 movies a year & approximately 12,410 movies in 17 years excluding the leap year cases. Just letting you know the records created by the man’s passion for cinema.
Zee tells me he’s a good man. She’s a good wife to him as well. But it’s just that together they’re not right for each other. I found that statement fascinating.
She tells me how he is so setĀ in his monotonous routine that he refuses to let an iota of unpredictability & adventure seep in.
I asked her if she tried to change herself a bit, maybe to adjust and find a middle ground to which she replied: “I can’t, my ego doesn’t allow me to”.Ā
ZEE’S HOUSE – A REFLECTION OF HER INNER DEMONS
Here’s a woman who knows that her ego kills relationships, understands it, is vocal about it but has submitted herself to the fact that she can’t improve her situation by letting go of her ego.
We were ironically sitting in her home theatre room with her discussing how the walls appear ugly thanks to her husband’s fascination for movie posters and frames.
Technically it was the home’s interior so gotta hand it to her for playing it smart with contextual undertones to send the message across.
The room had no lighting, no ventilation, was hot & made me feel suffocated the entire time I sat there. It almost reflected the inner state she was in – trapped, dark, isolated, depressed sans any hope of change.
“What do you do all day?”, I asked her.
“Nothing, my husband tells me to come & join him in his business but only if I feel like, else he tells me to sit at home & do whatever I want to”, she replies.
Hers was maybe a problem of being jobless and too comfortable in her luxuries than anything else. An empty mind is a devil’s workshop as the cliche goes. At least that was my initial line of thinking.
But then she tells me about her travel stories and how much she loves to travel but can’t because she fears travelling alone and finds it hard to start a conversation with someone, being an introvert.
ZEE’S REGRET – WRONG MOTIVATION TO GET MARRIED
She wanted a life of adventure, unpredictability & passion but her husband, unfortunately, didn’t tick any of the boxes. Theirs was shockingly, a love marriage by her own admission.
“Didn’t you realise all this before marrying him?“, I asked.
“No, he was well settled, we liked each other and I wasn’t well off financially so I thought what harm could it do?“, she nonchalantly replied.
Therein lies the problem. This bait ofĀ comfortable financial position of the prospective spouseĀ that most people fall for, has resulted in many an unhappy marriage in this world.
And when the realisation dawns on people, that the money they married to isn’t going to take care of them but it’s their spouse they’ll have to live with day in & day out – that’s where the trouble starts & the realisation of an impending disaster sets in!
ZEE’S ADMISSION
“I can’t even take a divorce, my ego doesn’t allow me to. In my head, I can’t go wrong in identifying people. I know he was the right choice. But it just… maybe he wasn’t the right choice. But I can’t change it now. Can’t fall in my own eyes. Can’t live with the feeling of being wrong. Plus the society doesn’t take well to middle-aged women who are divorced. I’d rather live in this depression”, she said as she poured her heart out.
HOW ZEE FELL INTO DEPRESSION – THANKS TO HER EGO
Her ego had not only closed her doors towards happiness but had also made her susceptible to depression thanks to the isolated state it put her in.
The ego firstly made her feel good about herself as she could go anywhere & buy anything and feel powerful in the society with her materialistic conquests.
Then, it pushed her into a false state of always being right because when money speaks, nobody checks the grammatical mistakes.
Furthermore, it made her reluctant to change and convinced her that she’s adventurous & passionate and only that is the right way to live.
It strengthened her belief in the fact that stability is boring & wrong for her. As a result, she feels she can’t bend her rules because then she’d lose the ego battle.
That very ego prevented her from admitting her mistake so now she’s lonely. She sits at home staring at the ceiling for hours at a stretch, and depression has become her default mode of being.
I am no one to advise a person to take a divorce because ultimately it’s they who have to live in a society. So I told her nothing of that sort.
But it saddens me that our society makes “this idea of a happy marriage”,Ā the be all & end all of human existence – failing which you are perpetually immortalised in the hall of shame.
EGO KILLS RELATIONSHIPS – A HARD REALISATION FOR ZEE AND THE PRESSURE OF “HAPPINESS”
“I know you’re discussing this with me and we aren’t thick of friends. But have you tried discussing this with your buddies?“, I asked her out of curiosity.
“I can’t.Ā Can’t get myself to lift the phone & let my friends know I am leading a sad life despite all the money, and give them the pleasure of knowing that their lives are happier than mine”, she responded.
Why do we pressure ourselves so much with the idea of happiness? Why do we feel that everybody else is leading the perfect life & we’ll belittle ourselves if we share our miseries with somebody? When did displaying vulnerability become a weakness? When did happiness become a competition?
It’s because of our relentless ego that most of us are lonely today. We refuse to pick up the phone first and make an attempt to stay in touch with people who matter. Thus, ego succeeds in creating rifts between the closest of people.
Instead, we hide behind the stereotypical garb of “But you know I suck at staying in touch”.Ā I have used that line too when immersed in work. No excuses there.
UNDERSTANDING THE VALUE OF “ACTUALLY SOCIALIZING”
It’s like we’d rather stay put in front of our mobile screens, scrolling away precious seconds of our life that we’ve been blessed with, than touch other’s lives, talk to people, actually socialize, learn from them & help them if they need it.
We’re so casual with our inability to actually share our lives with people, that it has seeped into our DNA making us very lonely from inside.
Is your ego more valuable than your peace of mind? Why are so many people falling into depression nowadays? I have nothing against social media and Netflix. But remember that your subscription can kill your time and give you a temporary sense of entertainment.
However, it cannot make you happy from the inside or help you forge meaningful bonds with people.
Mark Zuckerberg & Reed HastingsĀ are not going to stand by your grave and give a gratitude filled speech for filling their bank accounts.
Don’t be intimidated by the false sense of happiness & perfection that social media can pressure you with. It is by design, a tool that makes people insecure and unhappy about their lives.
VALUABLE LESSON TO LEARN FROM ZEE’S STORY
Don’t feel this innate pressure to be right. If you’re wrong like Zee was and then go on to realise it later, all’s still not lost. Own up to it. Wear it like a badge of honour.
Yes, you have learned your lesson the hard way. But then most importantly, work towards changing the current dysfunctional state and improve your life.
Don’t fall prey to your ego and lead an unhappy life. Just don’t. There are millions of unhappy people around. Try uplifting them and get them out of it. Don’t add to the number when you can help yourself and spread your share of happiness.
Zee tells me that she forgets her depression when talking to me because I make her happy with my frivolousness. And I on my part, try to be available to her whenever she needs me. If I can even be that bridge to normalcy for her, then I’d have done my job.
So the lesson to be learned here is that you won’t become a lesser person if you go wrong and admit it. But don’t just sit immersed in your ego and let your life fall out of breath. Let it out.
You may not know how many people maybe suffering like you, needing a glimmer of hope in life. If you share your reality, then they too can gather the courage to share their inner demons.
Moral of the story here is a Hindi saying and it goes like –Ā “Buri aadatein agar waqt pe na badli jaayein, toh woh aapka waqt hi badal deti hain”.
For my friends who don’t understand Hindi, it means – “Bad habits if not curbed in time, can change your time”.
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71 comments
Depression is a complicated subject, and needs highlighting. Sounds like your friend will need a lot of support to work through it. All the best to her.
Sometimes you have to learn to put Ego aside and make yourself happy first. Her marriage sounds awful to me, I can’t say I what I would do in that situation but I would like to think I would leave. We have to try to not cave under the pressure and do what truly makes us light up inside.
Agree with you. Ultimately, it’s up to the individual to change his/her life for the better.
Reading this almost made me cry. You write so eloquently – there are so many things I want to say. But it’s an interesting point of view for me. I’ve been married twice – the first marriage ended when my husband left me. The second lasted 17 years, and ended when he not only left me – but invited me on vacation where he was stationed in ISRAEL, (I’m Catholic) and upon arrival, he announced that he wanted a divorce. He would get furious when I asked him why. While I’m ashamed of these past failures, my experience of other people’s reactions to it are disgusting, and it needs to change. When a marriage fails, people are more interested in bashing each other, throwing around blame, and using the children to hurt one another. I spent $75,000 fighting for custody of my kids after he filed for sole custody and no visitation for me at all, when he HADN’T EVEN SEEN THEM, CALLED THEM, ANSWERED THEIR CALLS, or even EMAILED or texted them since October 7th 2017; it was settled in my favor in April 2018, and the kids still haven’t seen their father, but somehow I’m the bad guy. I think we need to find a middle ground, where people can agree that they weren’t meant for each other after trying their best to make it work, without it turning into a shame or blame show. Hope your friend finds something that gives meaning to her life!
What happened with you was extremely unfortunate Tessa. I can’t even fathom what you must have gone through. Taking in the shocker of a 17 year old alliance abruptly ending itself must have taken a toll on you. Add to that an ugly battle for custody and society playing the bashing up game according to their convenience. I seriously wish people were more sensitive and supported others in their times of vulnerability rather than looking at it as an opportunity to hurt them even more and shatter them completely. What does this sadistic pleasure bring to them, I’ve got no clue! It must be hard on the kids too. If only people respected each other enough to accept their differences amicably and moved on with grace & dignity, the society would be a much better place. My friend is taking it one day at a time, coping with it at her own pace. She’ll get better. How are you doing now if I may ask? And how are the kids?
It is very painful when couples are just not meant to be together. Excess ego sure is a main reason for couples to break up but a bit of ego could be fine for person to survive in this world. I hope your friend heals soon!
It’s said..do what you love..love what you do …people end up making wrong choices mostly for financial reasons ..and suffer… depression can be cured provided one accepts he is under depression and seeks help and shares..
Thank you
Yeah. Financial security can bring comfort but can’t bring compatibility. That’s one thing most people realise later.
This would be tough to go through. I can see how ego would make it even trickier. I hope your friend will be okay!
I think we need to teach our daughters that a good marriage is not everything in life. It sets them up for a life of disappointment. Most societies raise girls dreaming of their prince charming. I think we need to raise girls dreaming of a successful degree, a life of travel, adventure and accomplishments. Once they want to get married, then they can choose if they split their time between career, home and hobbies. But they will know what they want out of life that is not what their parents want and it is not what their husbands want.
Couldn’t agree more. This whole “life revolving around a happy marriage” is just a set up for disaster. You’d rather make something out of your life and be happy, then see if marriage fits into the scheme of things and plan things accordingly.
Before I filed for divorce I felt the same way she did! It really is so common!
It maybe is common but the difference is that here in the Indian society women generally continue with their marriage and don’t get divorced because of the excessive criticism and brickbats that the society throws at them.
That’s so true. Ego is actually a relationship killer. I broke up once over the excess ego of my boyfriend. Haven’t regretted it a single day since I left him.
Keep sharing more loved it.
Relationships of any kind are hard but when one has excess issues it makes it even more difficult. Prayers for your friend.
I know Tammy. Thanks a lot, I hope she comes out of it too!
This is such a sad story. But I think that it is an important one to tell! People shouldn’t settle because of what they think their partner has and be okay with it! Happiness is always more important than anything else.
Absolutely. Everything else becomes insignificant when you’re not happy. Happiness forms the crux of life. A happy you results in happier relationships as well.
There are so many things I’ve seen that have gone wrong with couples I’ve seen from afar or close-by. I have been wanting to tell them but I usually thought it’s not my place. I hope your friend is okay.
Same. I didn’t know if it was my place to suggest her anything. So I just became a sponge and soaked in whatever was bottled in her heart and she had to let out. She is, for now. I hope she gets better though
I hope your friend is okay now. Ego is definitely something that a lot of us struggle with. I can definitely see how it can lead into depression.
This is purely speculation but I would think that ego might be an aggravating factor but not the cause of your friends problem. I would say it began with her husbands success and the pressure for her to be viewed as above society. Without meaningful struggles to overcome or goals to work towards she has no purpose. The desire for adventure is just her minds attempt to fill that void.
Yeah. Agree with you Jeff. I got the feeling too that her being jobless and basically having no purpose or anything worth waking up for the next day is a major reason for her depression. One which she feels will go away by travelling but then as soon as the trip’s over, depression comes knocking her door.
When someone experiences the dragon of depression, their entire world is seen only through the lens of sadness, hopelessness, mourning, loss, emptiness, grief, pain, anger, frustration, guilt, and death. I hope the path to take becomes clear.
Yeah. It seems like a never ending phase of sadness and self-destruction. I hope so too.
relationships are hard. But then somebody got to make the first move and try to make it work rather than stick to your guns and let it be a lost battle!
Agree with you. A bit of compromise and negotiation is necessary for a functioning and fruitful relationship in the long term. My way or the highway approach can be detrimental.
This is a sad story and I think social media makes so many people want a life that is like they see online. We need to start to empower girls to know they can and should seek happiness. Divorce is not ideal but it should be an option that no one fears.
Absolutely Debby. You hit the nail on the head. Seeking happiness is the ultimate goal and if taking a divorce leads you to it, it’s an option you don’t have to fear to consider.
I think it was one of the best texts which I’ve recently read. I think that there are more women like Zee, whose ego lead them to depression and wrong choices. I’m not married, but I can realy relate to her life thanks to my previous life experiences. That’s so wonderful that you decided to present her case to us! š
Thanks Natalia, means a lot when a friend’s story can help other people out in sorting their lives through my writing.
This is a great story! I totally agree with the lessons learned here too. Happiness was and will always be the ultimate goal. I hope your friend is ok!
She’s okay for now. Taking it one day at a time, trying to be occupied with work.
This is honestly so touching. I never want to see myself in a situation like this, but I admire women that stick it out, that usually eats you on the inside and makes you feel horrible. I had a bad experience leaving an ex boyfriend, which may not seem that bad, but I felt like I couldn’t leave him, like we were perfect for each other, but in reality deep down in my heart I knew it wasn’t right. He also made me believe that I wouldn’t find anyone like him, boy was he wrong. I’m glad I was able to open my eyes and walk out of such a toxic relationship. Sometimes we are blinded, or just like you said our ego gets in the way. Hope everything is well with your friend, and that things are better now!
Talk about trying to convince yourself despite it being a toxic relationship. I can totally relate to what you said. A person being great is okay, but are they a good fit with you and can you guys help each other grow in life is another question. Yes, she’s fine for now. Hope she gets better.
Depression is a state of mind that can be altered with proper therapy. I hope she gets a proper therapist who can help her address her issues
I know Evelyn. But she lacks confidence in the therapists to keep her information and grievances private. This lack of trust prevents her from sharing her deep dark secrets.
Reading her story just broke my heart. I hope your friend can find happiness and learn to let go of the ego. Depression is not a fun place to be in and she definitely doesn’t want to be depressed the rest of her life. I like that quote at the end. We do need to change bad habits before they consume us. Praying for your friend.
She will get back to normal. She’s a courageous person. And I agree with the fact that depression isn’t a good state to be in. That quote though, was told to me by my mum some time back. It somehow stayed with me.
The importance of courtship, and properly understanding each other before marriage can’t be overemphasized. If there is a huge difference in values, goals and desires in a relationship, it is very difficult to work as one. So sad.
Second you on that. If you get swayed by the outer embellishments and don’t notice if your desires, goals and your partner’s desires, goals are in sync, then it can be a recipe for disaster.
What an interesting post! This really opened my eyes and changed my perspective on a couple of things. I’m glad you posted this, it brings awareness to “touchy” subjects/topics like this. Thanks for sharing! I wish you well. š
Relationships are hard and itās more difficult when depression is present. I hope things work out for your friend.
Don’t you think you are thinking too much? I think I need to have a pep talk with you. But haan uske baad bhag mat jaana.
I’m not. It was my friend who thinks of it 24*7 staring at her ceiling. I just voiced it out and let people know what I learnt by observing my friend’s experiences. And sure, I’d love a pep talk if you’re not too sleepy that is
Ego plays a large role in so many things in life. It seems the happiest people are those who have learned to step around their ego and break down those walls that hold them captive.
This is such a great post!
True that. A thin line between self-respect and ego. That awareness is what balances out our life. Thanks Tamie!
Depression is such a hard topic. I hope your friend is doing better now. It’s sad when we let ego come in between our relationships.
Ego is one of the most useless expressions. It is very important for one to differentiate between self respect and ego.
I agree. Thin line of separation. Self- awareness is the key.
I hope she finds her happiness, it’s better to let go early before the damage is done.
I agree with you. There are times that relationships can’t be saved, and will only damage you more in the end. Better to let go, and learn to start again.
with ego ruling our lives we will lose our sense of self and thereby get lost in every relationship…..
Wow! This is a depressing yet interesting story! I really understand what your friend is going through. Many women fall for the idea of marrying for money just to escape their financial problems. At the end, they realize they married the wrong person! I think your friend needs to get a new hobby that will make her happy and occupy her daily.
Long but extremely pertinent post. As someone who’s been in relationships not right for her, choosing to remain single has been the biggest blessing I have been bestowed by God so far.
Your ego can be a very dangerous thing f not kept in check. Can destroy families!
Unfortunately, there’s really no perfect relationship. Since human beings are fallible, there will never be a perfect relationship and unless couples accept that, it won’t last for long. It will always be a struggle to keep a relationship strong and healthy and remember, it takes two to tango.
This is very common scenario in relationships. Many times people do not take action for the fear of image loss in society. Many times do not have courage. In such times helping hand of a caring friend saves them from sinking in depression.
17 years? Oh my …what a sad existence. Yes, sometimes pride can get the better of us. Last night, my husband and I also had an argument and it was really because of my stupid pride. Today, we just kissed and made up. There’s nothing wrong with admitting mistakes. They don’t need to get a divorce either. Maybe some marital counselling and some adjustments in their routines will do.
depression can ruin your life slowly. I hope your friend she’s find the things that makes her happy. your support is her needed to achieve her up.
Ego plays a big part in a relationship… We need to let go the ego when we are in a relationship with a person… I hope your friend gets some peace and happiness soon š
āBad habits if not curbed in time, can change your time” – I love this moral lesson. Ego can ruin relationships. I hope everyone especially your friend can find happiness in due time. Only time can heal. Great post.
I can’t really relate to Zee because I haven’t married yet (and waiting for the right reasons). But, I feel a bit sorry for her as she let her ego take an hold of her and her happiness, thus making her unhappy. I hope she lets go of it and tastes happiness in her life!
Getting married (or doing anything) for the wrong reasons can lead to a lot of depression and heartache. š
True that my friend!
Depression is very complex and hard to deal with. Hope your friend find her happiness
Depression and ego are two hard things to over come. Hope she finds happiness.
what a great piece.
The last time I met Ego, the experience was quite despicable but it is good to accept genuinely what we love and care about and do what we can to keep them either than focusing on what can get us the things we love and care.
they tends to dictate for us and that’s where ego make appearance.
This story is so heartbreaking. I hope all is well. Sending your friend a lot of virtual hugs and tons of positive vibes.
Confidence is healthy, ego is destructive. There’s a famous expression: ‘Too much ego will kill your talent,’ but it will not only kill your talent, but it will also kill your career, your relationships, and your happiness. Too much ego can actually ruin your life.
I know exactly how Zee feels. I had to really force myself to let go of some hurt with my own husband. Only then were we able to move past it, but my ego stood in the way for a long time.